Beyond the Surface: Why Adoption Overwhelm Can Feel So Big
If You Look a Little Deeper….
You can be curious about what your overwhelm may be trying to show you.
Feeling overwhelmed during the adoption journey is incredibly common — but sometimes the intensity of that overwhelm comes from deeper issues beneath the surface. Some of these may be things you already recognise in yourself, and you have experienced in your life, while others may offer new insight into your current thoughts and feelings.
As Within, So Without
Adoption naturally brings big emotions, uncertainty, and change. But not every feeling of stress is “adoption stress.” Sometimes, what’s happening internally — your beliefs, your past experiences, your mental health — intensifies the pressure. Overwhelm isn’t just about what’s happening around you; it’s also shaped by what’s happening within you. Recognising this is the first step towards compassionate self-support. Let's explore some of the most common underlying factors.
Perfectionism — The Pressure to Get Everything Right
Perfectionism can make you feel as though you must handle every moment flawlessly. It often looks like:
overthinking decisions
setting impossibly high expectations
feeling guilty if you’re tired, frustrated, or unsure
hiding your struggles because you think you “should” cope better
Underneath perfectionism is a longing for safety, control, and acceptance — not a personal flaw.
For adoptive parents, this pressure can feel even more intense. You may feel an unspoken expectation to be the “perfect” parent, create the “perfect” environment, or meet every need flawlessly — especially knowing the challenges your child may have already faced. But your child doesn’t need perfection. They need connection, presence, and a parent who is allowed to be human.
Sleep Difficulties — When Rest Slips Away
Sleep affects everything: your mood, energy, patience, and resilience. Occasional disruption is normal, but ongoing sleep issues often point to deeper causes such as:
generalised anxiety
depression
trauma or PTSD
worrying about sleep itself
hormonal changes
Signs that poor sleep may be adding to your overwhelm include irritability, emotional sensitivity, difficulty concentrating, and daytime worry about whether you’ll sleep that night.
Alongside practical sleep habits - a good routine, limiting screen time/caffeine/alcohol - you may need further support to address sleep problems and insomnia.
Generalised Anxiety — Living in the “What Ifs”
Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is incredibly common, it is fuelled by difficulty to tolerate uncertainty and adoption naturally involves uncertainty. In the here and now and for the future. You may notice:
feeling constantly “on alert” – and questioning, ‘Am I doing enough?’ ‘Is there something else I should be doing?’
Difficulty relaxing or switching off — noticing yourself going over things repeatedly, or feeling anxious when you try to rest.
overplanning, over-researching, or seeking constant reassurance – which leaves you feeling exhausted, lacking in confidence and not trusting your judgement.
imagining worst-case scenarios – for your child and their future, and placing the responsibility for this on you.
struggling to make decisions – leaving you feeling like you constantly have things to sort out and complete.
This ongoing worry can wear you down, leaving you overwhelmed, tired, and with less capacity for compassion, parenting, and daily life. Noticing these patterns gives you insight into what’s fuelling your overwhelm and reassures you that many others experience the same — you are not alone.
Depression — When Joy Feels Out of Reach
Depression can make even joyful milestones feel muted. Adoption is a huge emotional transition that can bring up past grief, identity shifts, and exhaustion. Post-adoption depression is real, but rarely discussed openly, which can create shame and silence around your experience.
Common signs include:
feeling flat, numb, or disconnected
low motivation
struggling to enjoy things you usually love
guilt for not feeling “excited enough”
masking your real feelings
Small steps to start can be a huge help, such as connecting with others who have felt this way - look for online support groups and put on an anonymous post if it helps to take the first step, connect with a therapist, find resources to support your understanding of depression and post adoption depression. This will help you know that others feel this way too.
Hormonal Factors — The Invisible Influencers
Hormones affect mood, energy, stress tolerance, and emotional balance. Many people begin the adoption process later in adulthood or after fertility treatment — both of which can involve hormonal shifts that intensify overwhelm.
Possible indicators include:
mood swings
low energy
irritability
physical changes or irregular cycles
Tracking symptoms and speaking to your GP or finding support groups, can offer clarity and help you support your mind and body through this phase. Our mind and body are intrinsically linked, and this connection shapes so much of how we experience our emotions and daily life.
PTSD and Trauma - Big T’s and Little t’s
When we talk about trauma, many people think of big, obvious events — experiences that are overwhelming, life-threatening, or deeply shocking. When these events are followed by specific symptoms such as intrusive memories, hypervigilance, avoidance, or emotional numbing, they can lead to a clinical diagnosis of PTSD. This is what we often refer to as “Big T” trauma.
But trauma isn’t always life threatening or catastrophic.
“Little t” traumas — like being bullied, losing a job, feeling constantly criticised, or a teacher’s harsh comment that stayed with you for years — may not meet the criteria for a diagnosis, yet they can still have a powerful impact. These quieter wounds shape how we see ourselves and the world, often influencing our self-worth, sense of safety, and core beliefs in ways we don’t fully recognise until much later.
Understanding the difference can offer valuable insight into your own patterns. It can help you see whether past experiences are contributing to today’s feelings of overwhelm, self-doubt, or emotional triggers — even if they don’t fit the traditional picture of trauma.
You’re Not “Not Coping” — You’re Human
Underlying issues don’t make you incapable or not good enough. They simply highlight the fact that we are human, life can be and feel tough and there is no shame for the mix of thoughts and feelings you might experience through such a major life transition.
Your overwhelm isn’t a weakness — it’s an important signal. And signals can be recognised, understood, and supported. Life brings inevitable ups and downs, and cultivating kindness toward ourselves and our experiences helps ease the lows and deepen the joy of the highs.
So, Remember…
You’re not failing.
You’re not behind.
You’re not alone.
You’re learning and growing — and growth often reveals the deeper layers we’ve carried inside.
With compassion, awareness, and support, you can move through overwhelm into a calmer and more confident you.
Ready to explore therapy?
If you want to explore how therapy could support you, book in a free 15 minute chat. You can get in touch via the contact form. I will get back to you within 24 working hours.